It's quite surreal how bad my Christmas was. It makes you think about all the froth and bubble of Xmas and how insubstantial it is. Bad things can happen anytime; Xmas ain't immune. It's also almost funny. I feel like sending one of those Xmas letters but painting it very black: the opposite of boasting.
First of all I had the suspicious tissue plus biopsy on December 11. Then no results when they were meant to come through the following week, thus prolonging the agony. On 19 December I got a horrible gastric virus which lasted almost a week. No vomiting but nausea, fever, a general feeling of malaise and watery diarrhoea which I didn't handle well because I ended up dehydrated. When I finally went to the doctor he said it was hard to confine it to one member of the family so I cancelled Xmas and stayed home by myself for the week. My best friends were out of the country or inundated by grandchildren so I didn't even have anyone to talk to on the phone.
Son Peter had followed up my results with the surgeon when I was too nervous to. As a result the surgeon rang Peter when those results came out on Xmas Eve. Cancer, early, surgery. Peter came round and delivered the news though the closed ranchslider so that he didn't get the bug. It was a relief to know but horrible to be so very alone.
The "early" part sounds good and so does the fact that the surgery won't be quite so big as last time. And yet, it IS cancer and who knows what they might find when poking around or in the CT scan? I'm pretty confident it will be all right but I know I have to prepare for contingencies. That oral cancer surgery with the tracheotomy and naso-gastric tube, with the patch from elsewhere in the body and therefore prolonged stay in hospital, is anathema to me. Other people sleep through things like that but I'm a notoriously bad sleeper. With oral cancer surgery the improvement each day is slower than with other surgeries. Even the worst abdominal surgery patient feels a lot better after three days and can EAT. With this surgery you can't eat or drink until the trache is out and that can be over a week. There are no meal times to break up the monotony.
And then there's the rest of the family with at least one family member pretty depressed by the whole thing. In a year their father goes into care for dementia, their mother has her fourth cancer diagnosis. How long can her body withstand those horrible surgeries?
It's hard to get out of self-pity mode. Maybe soon!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Fitter, but ...
Have been going to walking groups for a couple of months now and golly gee I'm a lot fitter. The mileage plus the orthotics in my shoes mean that I can now walk for well over an hour with no pain. Walked for one hour 40 on Sunday at a pretty fast rate of knots and felt good afterwards - invigorated. I've been through this get-fit stage many times in my life and really appreciate it. Especially now - it's good to know that even the pensioner's body can improve.
I fell over a couple of times the Sunday before last though - once while going down a steep track on Mangere Mountain. Had that sickening feeling when you feel your ankle twisting. In that split second you feel (or I do): no more walking for a while. Oh dear. But no, it came right after a couple of days and after four days rest I was good to go.
What really made me tingle with fear was my oral cancer check-up this morning. I assumed that everything would be all right because I've had no scares for a couple of years now. This morning the doctor pronounced the inside of my left cheek (where I often get ulcers) to be "a bit manky" and warranting a biopsy. He did say he could hold off doing the biopsy because of Xmas etc but in the end decided to do it then and there. At his tone and hearing the words "manky" and biopsy" my head and heart were assaulted by a tingly adrenalin reaction. Very distinct, very palpable. Fortunately that was followed by a warmer feeling, a sort of strength reaction I've felt before. Maybe a defense mechanism ... a feeling that I have to cope, I will cope and there's no use worrying until the results come out.
He more or less said it could be a new primary. Not a spread etc. I know this happens with oral cancer. He said it might be precancerous. That is likewise possible with this type of carcinoma - you tend to get a lot of dysplasia. If it is cancer it has been caught early.
If I have a hunch it is that there IS something there but that it is not all that serious. Hmmm. When I get this calm feeling there usually IS a problem!!! Doctor said surgery would involve removal and a graft; no need to go right through the cheek. That's my real fear. I can sort of get by with my present scars and reconstructed tongue but I don't want a patched up face or any more of a speech impediment.
So I've got a week before I know the results. I'm going to really make it count. There's nothing like a cancer scare to remind us of the value of life and health. And fitness:)
Below is a photo of the little dome inside the crater of Mangere mountain. A sort of mini-me of the mountain as a whole.
I fell over a couple of times the Sunday before last though - once while going down a steep track on Mangere Mountain. Had that sickening feeling when you feel your ankle twisting. In that split second you feel (or I do): no more walking for a while. Oh dear. But no, it came right after a couple of days and after four days rest I was good to go.
What really made me tingle with fear was my oral cancer check-up this morning. I assumed that everything would be all right because I've had no scares for a couple of years now. This morning the doctor pronounced the inside of my left cheek (where I often get ulcers) to be "a bit manky" and warranting a biopsy. He did say he could hold off doing the biopsy because of Xmas etc but in the end decided to do it then and there. At his tone and hearing the words "manky" and biopsy" my head and heart were assaulted by a tingly adrenalin reaction. Very distinct, very palpable. Fortunately that was followed by a warmer feeling, a sort of strength reaction I've felt before. Maybe a defense mechanism ... a feeling that I have to cope, I will cope and there's no use worrying until the results come out.
He more or less said it could be a new primary. Not a spread etc. I know this happens with oral cancer. He said it might be precancerous. That is likewise possible with this type of carcinoma - you tend to get a lot of dysplasia. If it is cancer it has been caught early.
If I have a hunch it is that there IS something there but that it is not all that serious. Hmmm. When I get this calm feeling there usually IS a problem!!! Doctor said surgery would involve removal and a graft; no need to go right through the cheek. That's my real fear. I can sort of get by with my present scars and reconstructed tongue but I don't want a patched up face or any more of a speech impediment.
So I've got a week before I know the results. I'm going to really make it count. There's nothing like a cancer scare to remind us of the value of life and health. And fitness:)
Below is a photo of the little dome inside the crater of Mangere mountain. A sort of mini-me of the mountain as a whole.
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